Repeat
by brownie.is.here
Summary: This is basically the story of my dramatic life. Follow me through stress, heartbreak, mental and physical pain, and everything in between. My life scares me to be honest. I was told that I should write my feelings down in a journal but instead I decided to turn them into a story. Happy Reading!


The image of him keeps replaying in my mind. I can't make it stop. It won't go away! How do I make it go away? It hurts. Everyone, no, everything reminds me of him. I don't know how much longer I can do this! Now that I've finished freaking out I bet you're wondering who he is. I guess I'll tell you. Mainly because everyone has told me that I should keep a diary to manage my life. I don't really understand why they think I should but I guess I'll do it anyway. Oops I'm rambling now. I guess now would be a good time to tell you about my life

The drama is probably best made into a movie but since I don't matter enough I'll just write a book instead. Chances are you're thinking the same thing that I think when I hear the word "book". My first thought is, "Eww books, I hate reading!" I'll try to help you out a bit and make this as least excruciating as I possibly can.

We met when we were young. We've basically known each other since birth. He and I have been inseparable for a long time. When people heard that we couldn't be around each other I'm sure that their first thought was "I have no clue how that's going to happen. They cant go two days without each other let alone two years." Let me tell you, It's been two months and I've cried every day of it. The pain is excruciating. I feel like I'm being eaten alive from the inside. I don't think it is all just in my head though. It physically hurts to think about him. My stomach clenches and my eyes start to sting and everything just hurts.

I bet you're still confused about who I'm talking about. His name is Marcus. Hes been everything to me, a brother, a best friend, a boyfriend, an enemy, a shoulder to cry on, someone who knows everything about me before I know it myself. It goes both ways. He's introduced me to so many amazing people, some of which would do anything for me. Including taking a bullet if they had to. When everything happened two of those people made sure that everyone knew that I had nothing to do with it.

Marcus has literally been there with me through everything. He was my first kiss, he stood by me though my first heartbreak, depression, and even if I hate to admit it he always knew when something was wrong and would pester me until I let it out. Eventually I would tell him because I trusted him with my life. If something were to happen and I lost everyone including myself he would stand by me no matter what. That's why these last few months have been complete hell for me.

You could say that this all started the beginning of seventh grade. Yeah I know you're probably thinking "SEVENTH GRADE!? You are way to young for this!" I'll tell you what. I agree with you completely. I'm just going to skim over the first few months because I don't remember them as well. It is April right now, this started in August.

I was in gym class when I first laid eyes on him, Carson, I had seen him around the school before but I was always too scared to talk to him. We were assigned spots on the floor next to eachother. I was petfrified that I was going to do something stupid, but at the same time I was excited.  
"Mema I'm home!" I yelled from the kitchen when I got off the home. There are so many of my friends on my bus. There are the twins, Lexi and Nicole, my old friend Lexi with whom I share the same name, and the Kades.  
I looked down at my phone to see that I had a new direct message on instagram. When I saw who it was from, I nearly fainted. It was from Carson. I opened it eagerly, and the image was of the Apple sign.  
I scrolled down to read the text under the picture, it read "Hey! It's the guy that sits next to you in gym. Will you go out with me?" I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I was tempted to say no since it was through instagram but I was so excited that a boy had actually asked me out that I was unsure. I didn't respond.

I went to school and the first thing that I did was talk to my friend Abby. She had dated Carson in the sixth grade but they broke up. "Abby I need your help" I stated, walking up to the tall blonde.  
"Whatcha' need Lex?" She asked. Lex is my nickname.  
"Carson asked me out last night, and it was through instagram. I don't know what to say"  
"I can't control what you say, but in your position I would definitely say no."  
"Thanks Abb. I'll see you later"  
"No problem Lex, it was no problem."

Then came lunch. A hellish time for me for the past two years suddenly became something I looked forward to. My three close friends Aubrey, Ashley, and Ella all sit with me at the overflow table, so I always have at least one person to talk to. When I got there I sat down and immediately told them about Carson.  
"Say No!" was the response I got from all of them. Of course, I have always been the slightly rebellious type so when I got home I messaged back Carson. I told him yes, and gave him my number. That was my biggest mistake.

I was born when my mom was fifteen, so my grandmother raised me. After saying yes to Carson I went over to my mom's house. "Mom! I'm going to hang out with Marcus! I have my phone with me." I told her when I finished my homework.  
"Okay," She responded, without looking up.

I walked across the street to Marcus house and didn't even have to knock. He was already waiting for me. I couldn't help but notice how attractive he was. He was a tall blonde, with striking blue eyes, and he was wearing a beanie.  
"Hey Blondie!" I said cheerfully, using his nickname.  
"Hey brownie!" He responded, using a nickname he came up with because of my curly brown hair.

This was our usual greeting. We walked around the neighborhood and talked about unimportant things until my mom called me home. When I got home I began to text Carson. Before I went to bed, he told me that he loved me, and me being stupid, said it back

"I love you, babe." Carson would text me about every five text messages, and I still blindly said it back. Around nine-thirty at night I went to take a shower. In the shower I thought about how the next time I said "I love you too," I would actually mean it.

I got out of the shower, brushed my hair, braided it, and brushed my teeth, this was what I did every night. I went to my room and climbed into bed. I noticed I had a text message from Carson. I opened it thinking it was a goodnight text, I was far from right. It read "I'm breaking up with you."  
I texted back and said "okay, whatever," truthfully I was unaffected. I had no real feelings for him anyways.


End file.
